Even if you aren’t in a romantic partnership, you are still in relationship with people. And for those relationships we deeply value, I’m guessing that you would love to experience enhanced connection and harmony in them.
Quite some time ago, I read about some research from Dr. John Gottman about intimate relationships and was quite struck by the idea of turning towards. It really stayed with me and I’ve played with it ever since.
According to his research, he found that married couples who more frequently responded to what he called bids for emotional connection by turning their attention and awareness towards the partner making the bid request, ended up remaining married longer than those who did so less of the time.
I could give you all the details of the studies, but I’ll leave that for you to check out on your own here.
Bids can be subtle or overt. They can be physical – like a wink, a touch, or reaching out for a hug.
They can be verbal – like a request to look at something they’ve created or to listen to a story or their thoughts on something they’d like to share with you. It could even be a text or a phone call.
Gottman observed and noted different kinds of bids, such as:
Bids for attention – e.g. look what I’ve created!
Bids for play – e.g. tickling or joke telling
Bids for emotional support – e.g. I’m so stressed at work and I don’t know why
Bids for interest – e.g. what did you think about that restaurant?
Bids for humor – e.g. check out these funny cat videos!
Bids for enthusiastic engagement – e.g. let’s plan our next vacation!
Bids for affection – e.g. reaching out and holding your hand
Bids for self-disclosure – e.g. what happened at that meeting today?
How we respond to these bids for emotional connection might make all the difference in our relationships. You might:
Be oblivious to the bid (don’t worry – it’s not about tending to every single bid!)
Turn against the bid by reacting in a negative or hostile rejecting kind of way (um, you can imagine where that leads)
Turn away from the bid by basically ignoring it (this often happens unconsciously)
Turn towards the bid by acknowledging the person’s request to connect and react appropriately (yes, this!)
How often have you been with your partner, friend, family or child and inadvertently turned away from their bids for connection? How often have you noticed others doing this with you? How does it feel? Kind of crappy, right?
This isn’t to say that every time someone reaches out in any way to connect with you that you drop everything and pay 100% attention to them all the time.
An example of this is something that my partner and I have worked out over the years.
I’m a talker. When we’re together, I have a habit of sharing pretty much every thought in my head with her. Thankfully, this is okay with her (whew!). Now I don’t expect her undivided attention all of the time. She’d never get anything done, nor would she have time and space to be with her own thoughts!
Since I know it’s helpful for me to process thing out loud, we have a great agreement. She doesn’t always listen to every word I say when I’m just chattering away. This is totally okay with me. I often need to just get stuff out – it’s part of how I seem to do life. I’m not expecting engagement in these times.
But when I do feel like I need her attention, I let her know and she, being the amazing human she is, really listens and discusses whatever it is with me.
She’s a wonderful turn-towards-er. (just made that up, can you tell?)
How much of a turn-towards-er are you in your life?
The takeaway for me from reading about his research was that crazy simple bit right there. It is such an act of respect and unconditional love to turn towards. It applies to everyone you encounter.
An added bonus of this is that it can lead to experiencing more presence as well. When you actually turn towards and give that being your 100% attention, not thinking about the fifty other things you need to do, not engaging with thoughts about how they are taking up your time, not half-listening while you’re checking your texts, you are left just being with that being. Plus, they felt heard.
I encourage you to give this a try. It has actually made a significant positive impact in my relationships.
Plus it’s easy. And free. And chances are quite likely that you’ll feel better too. It’s a trifecta of goodness.
I’d love to hear about your experience with this!
Oh – and here is a very cute 2 minute animated video about the Gottman research that you might find interesting!
- Setting a clear intention for my desired state. I set a very strong, clear intention that 2017 would be amazing and joyful, and then I let it go without attaching a lot of how to it. That being said, there were some actions needed to support this intention.
- Taking empowered positive action where appropriate. While I knew that I certainly wouldn’t be able to change all the things and situations that bothered or upset me, I looked into what actions I actually could take. Doing this has helped me to feel good about doing something, even if it is a seemingly small thing, it is still something. Phone calls about political issues to my representatives, signing petitions, supporting causes I believe in – anything that involves doing something. I have found this incredibly helpful to dispel feelings of powerlessness.
- Making choices about what to consume. News, television, magazines, social media – I’m not saying to cut this out and become an ostrich. I’m a realist and I do want to stay informed and connected. I have found, however, that limiting this to some degree has been extremely helpful. Choosing what sources and how much time to spend on it can be a very conscious practice.
- Tapping, tapping, tapping. When I do find that I’m triggered at all by reading or hearing news, I simply tap. This might be while I’m in the midst of it (read and tap!) or afterwards when I notice a dip in my energy or mood. Regular tapping has really helped me with this! It’s a very quick way to get back to a sense of equilibrium no matter what is going on around you.
- Recognizing that it is always my choice how I respond. Always. There’s just no way around this one. A thing happens and I can choose to blame it for how I feel OR I can recognize that I always have a choice about it.
- Connecting with others and talking. While I don’t recommend commiserating with others ad nauseam about anything, including health, politics, getting older, relationship problems, etc., I have found it very helpful to share feelings with others to remember that we are never alone in any of it. Sometimes just knowing that there are others who share values or experiences can give me the warm fuzzies. I have to admit when I was in the yuckiest part of this last fall, that I probably bent too many an ear airing my hopeless feelings at the time. I have curtailed this by choosing to simply not dwell on it so much. Finding something else to talk about that is neutral or positive is just way more fun. Plus, hanging out with others can lead to hugs, which is all good for me!
- Focusing on meaningful, joyful stuff. So what to do with all that time I’d been spending mulling over everything that was wrong? Well, I turned my focus towards the things that nourish me. My clients, my business, my new projects, spending time with people I adore. Watching and reading things that are more inspiring. Continuing to learn. Doing more of all of this not only leaves less time for the negative stuff to enter my thoughts, but it builds up more positive feelings and reminds me of all the great stuff that is happening and that I’m participating in.
- Practicing gratitude. This is one of the biggest, most important actions I take. And quite frankly, I have found that it is the absolute quickest route to feeling better about pretty much anything. Daily gratitude – out loud, while you’re walking, with your family or friends, writing it down – any way you like to express gratitude, just do it. It’s like taking an instant positivity drug.
- Choosing responses. Now I’d be lying if I said that I never get bothered about what’s going on in the world. At times when I let myself go down that rabbit hole, I can get pretty darned fired-up about it all (ask any of my friends!). For my level of happiness and peace to stay balanced, however, if I notice something that bothers me about this, I acknowledge it, notice my reaction or response to it, and then make a choice about how I want to deal with it. If I notice a negative reaction kicking in, I start tapping on it, or I give myself permission to have a good rant and then be done with it. That seems to do the trick for me, especially if I tap afterwards (or during, if possible). Everyone is different, so what works for me may or may not work for you.
Stephanie
No Comments